i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
