I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
