Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
