My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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