Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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