fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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