Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
