mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize