My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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