he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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