dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
