I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
