What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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