no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
