I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
