Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize