There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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