I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
