She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
