Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She's the barista slut.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
