I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
