in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
