Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
