1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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