Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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