so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
