My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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