my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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