conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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