thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
