Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
