Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
