Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I didn't shave. On purpose
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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