Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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