drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
