I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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