I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
