problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
