my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
