They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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