When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
