My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
