I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
