I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
