Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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