just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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