Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
