I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
