It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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