god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
