i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
