I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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