Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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