I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if only i could text you this smell
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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